Ten years ago today, I came out as gay. What I share now is I wrote my mother an email in it I shared I was gay, shared that I had been sexually abused – I used that letter as compensation to pay for freedom. Later that evening, (November 16, 2005) I wrote the blog below. What I did not share then, that I share now, is that this was two months after receiving the most critical feedback I had ever heard about my ability (or in my case inability) to show up well for others at work. I was seen as jovial, boisterous, gregarious, but at the same time someone who could not be taken seriously, who did not garner respect from others, and how could I? – I had no respect for myself. What I did not share then, that I share now, is the month before I wrote the blog below, the person who molested me as a child, called to ask for forgiveness. Between challenges at work, and being confronted with unhealed/unspoken to wounds of the past, I hit rock bottom.
Now 10 years later, looking back, I suppose her phone call to me, was in the same spirit of the blog that follows, that is, an ultimate plea to be free. Here, my thoughts from 10 years ago, that still ring true for me today…
Wow! Such a long time since my last post, but the journey is definitely not without notable moments even though the post have been sparse. I cannot even begin to say what an exciting and unnerving time this is for me. It is a time like when you knew things were going to happen and you just were waiting or holding onto the fact that it would be a while until it would all begin. Life has a divine order I do believe every event in life happens to lay a note on our heart to realize a greater truth. So with a deep breath and a forward looking attitude I began embarking on a journey that physically and mentally has challenged me to come out on the other end with a feeling of great strength, knowledge and understanding. I would not say that the journey is one of change but of preparedness. I (like we all should be doing) have been garnering the tools that are needed to stick out the path that has been prepared for us. Some of the things on life's journey come at birth from where we are born to race we all have these characteristics that come through and we learn with as we go. Other things we develop over time or learn to work with as we go along. From how we interact with others to conscious choices/decisions in life we have ( if we are doing what is right) been harboring tools that help build us.So many different philosophers and wise men of our world profess what they believe ultimate joy is. I believe I have found happiness' answer for myself. Joy(for me) is going through the rough, and rocky slopes of life coming on the other side with the feeling that I can make it. Whatever the rocky/rough spot is, whenever you come over that spot at that pivotal moment that you can honestly say "I feel like I can make it" that is when you truly have found the feeling of pure joy. As people think about the most joyous times of their lives they were the rough and sometimes rocky roads that were the creation of joy. When people graduate from college, the joy is from the feeling of accomplishment from what you may ask? From the feeling that you went through what is a challenging and rigorous experience to be shaped by it and to say it is over now, and I feel like I can make it (whatever that next step is for you). The premise behind all joy is courage, the courage to break the shackles of fear, or doubt and to use life's tools to help shape you. I guess in laymen terms joy has a synonym called relief and relief correlates to peace. Sometimes we find relief in religion like when people feel relief for making amends for wrong doings of life. Sometimes relief is in forgiveness or from letting go of pressures to finally carry on with great authenticity. Why do children have such large amounts of joy? Because they took the tools of life mixed with innocence that forced them to live a life full of relief in every moment. Children live honest and free without care for what others may perceive for they have relief in knowing that happiness comes from true self understanding. I doubt any four year old would say joy in the terms I have used, but my words are a clear cut example of how as life goes on we add complexities that just are not necessary and inhibit joy (peace).Times are a changing for me. Sometimes blogs can be vague or seem aloof and I like that. I like statements that have enough energy for undertaking but are wide sweeping so that applicability is possible.I pray the prayer that courage manifest itself in all that read this, so that decisions are made and statements are said that lead to a greater comfort so you to can say the statement I feel like I can make it. Whether it is deciding to move to be closer to a love one, becoming honest with those around you to make what sometimes may seem selfish decisions possible whatever it is for you live by courage so you can be served by joy. I feel like I can make it